


Where Branches Break The Sun

by steadyasthestars



Series: Branches [1]
Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Although it says Larry, Depressed!Niall, Drugs, Eating disorder!harry, Harry-centric, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Only Because they are already together, Past Rape/Non-con, Schizophrenic!Louis, Suicidal!Zayn, Trigger Warnings, Ziam is the main Relationship, angry!liam
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-20
Updated: 2013-12-28
Packaged: 2018-01-05 06:08:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 6
Words: 9,070
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1090528
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/steadyasthestars/pseuds/steadyasthestars
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Welcome to Roseview Behavioral Health Center. We are glad that you have come to us to get help dealing with difficulties you are having and we look forward to working with you on your goals."</p><p>After Harry almost dies, he is sent to Roseview to deal with his problems. He meets four other guys who are there dealing with their own problems.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Welcome

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! Um, this is a new one. I hope everyone likes it. I will be updating often (if people like this). I already have it finished. The title comes from 'The Basketball Diaries' by Jim Carroll. 
> 
> No Beta. All Mistakes are my own.

“Welcome to Roseview Behavioral Health Center. We are glad that you have come to us to get help dealing with difficulties you are having and we look forward to working with you on your goals.” A small lady with a plastic smile welcomed me. I stared at her blankly. “If you'll follow me, we can show you around and get you situated for your stay.”

 

I looked over to my mom and she gave me a small smile. 

 

“You'll be fine, honey. You'll get better and you can come home. You'll be out of here before you know it.” She reached up onto her tiptoes and planted a kiss on my forehead. I nodded and followed the small woman, Janna, and a very large man through the building. We ended up in a room with curtain.

 

“Alright, Harry, I need you to please remove your shoes and belt. We need to confiscate those for safety reasons.” I did as she said and she handed the items to the big guy, Paul. She gave me a pair of slippers and slid into them. I shuffled behind them through the facilities. We stopped at the gym, the therapy hall, the dining hall, and finally my room. 

 

“You're roommate will be Niall Horan. Your approved clothes and other items are already in your room. Dinner will be in thirty minutes and your presence is required. The color on your wristband indicates the table at which you will be sitting, as well as the group you are to be in. Are there any questions?” She asked her smile hitting my like a too bright light. I shook my head no and she opened the door. The room was empty. I turned back towards her. 

 

“Where's Neil?” I asked and she frowned.

 

“Niall, and I would appreciate if you memorized his name correctly, we ensure all of the guests the respect that they deserve, and calling them by anything other than there preferred name can set back progress that we have made. Niall is currently in his activity. Each guest here gets an activity to allow them to find an outlet to express themselves.”

 

“Oh.” I responded simply. 

 

“Well, alright then, I'll let you get comfortable. Enjoy your stay at Roseview. We look forward to being a part of the journey to your recovery.” She flashed me another cherry smile before she disappeared through the door. I stared around the small room. It was very neat. The walls were a neutral rose pink color. All of the furniture was mahogany. It was nice. I grabbed the clothes from the bed. It was basically a gray T-shirt and the trousers were like a jogger suit material. I put it on tried not to look down at myself. I ran a hand through my curly mop of hair before heading to the dining hall. 

 

I looked around the room at the tables. There were a bunch of circular tables (no sharp corners) and they were all in different colors. I stared at my wrist and saw the light blue dot on my band that hung off of my small wrist. I stared around the room and saw the line for food. I desperately wanted to be anywhere but there. I sat at my designated table and put my head down waiting for this to be over.

 

“Hey, who are you?” a voice asked and I jumped looking at the person who spoke to me. It was a rather short boy with tousled hair.

 

“H-harry, I'm Harry.” I stuttered out. I hated my stutter. It showed up at the stupidest times. Because of it, I had to speak slower, which makes me sound like the stupidest prick on Earth. Which I was.

He reached out and touched my hand. I snatched my hands away.

“I was just making sure that you were actually there, Sometimes I have a problem with that. On a second thought. Liam!!!” He screamed out and a boy with sheared hair who was already on his way to the table covered one of his ears as he sat his tray down.

“I'm right behind you Lou. Jeez!”

“Right, sorry. Do you see a young lad, curly hair, dimples, about maybe 7 stones (about 100 pounds)” I looked down and rubbed a hand over my stomach.

“Louis! You are not allowed to mention a guests weight. You know that!” Liam scolded him. It was weird, they were talking about me like I wasn't even there.

“So, he's there! Cool! So Liam, this is Harry!” Louis introduced me and I looked at him perplexed.

“Hi Harry.” He said as two other boys walked up. There was a short blonde and a taller dark haired guy.

“Harry, This is Zayn and Niall.” The blonde boy stared at the ground as he was introduced.

“Niall. Niall H-Horan. You're my roommate. I'm Harry.” I stood up and held my hand up towards him. He flinched back and Zayn immediately got in front of him. Liam stood as well and slowly put his hand on Niall's back rubbing his shoulder.

“S-S-Sorr-rry, I diddn't mean t-to upset y-you.” I stuttered out.

“Oh, Don't worry about Mummy and Daddy, over there. Niall, just has a problem with new people and touching. You should've seen his first day. I touched him to make sure he was real and he flipped shit. They had to get people to sedate him.” Louis said.

“Louis. Shut up! You will trigger him.” Liam said through his teeth and Louis sat down quietly. This table had a weird dynamic. I watched as Liam whispered something into Niall's ear and Niall sat down with Zayn.

“Hi, nice to meet you, Harry. I'm sorry for acting so mad.” He had a thick Irish accent and a quiet voice.

“ 'Sokay.” I mumbled.

A lady came up with to the table with a tray of little paper shot glasses and I watched as Liam, Niall, and Zayn willingly took the medicine.

“Hello, Gladys!” Louis said brightly. He smirked at her.

“Louis.” She returned cautiously. “How you feeling today?”

“Stellar, Gladys.” He took the medicine from the women. He smiled and raised the cup to his lips. I watched as each of the boys each opened their mouths and lifted their tongues. She got to Louis last and he did the same, as well as opening his hands near his face, palms facing forward. I noticed then the cuts that littered his neck and arms. They were tiny and barely there, but I could still see them.

“Good job, Lou.” He smiled sweetly at her and satisfied, she moved on. I begin my medicinal therapy tomorrow morning.

I watched as the boys began to eat and I looked anywhere else. I pulled my feet into the chair and wrapped my arms around my legs.

“Not hungry?” Zayn asked.

“Um, no, not really.” I never knew how to answer that question. Of course I was hungry, but I wouldn't- couldn't- allow myself to eat.

“So that's it then. If you don't mind me asking.” He said and I sat there confused for a second. “The reason you are here.” he clarified.

“Um. Yeah. Why are you guys here?” I ventured my voice small, trying to take the attention from me.

“I have a very bad case of schizophrenia. Not even allowed to room with others. I'm dangerous.” Louis said waving his arms around like a magician.

“I have problems with my anger.” Liam said and I raised my eyebrows. I didn't believe that for a second. He seemed so gentle. I looked over at Niall and he just bit his lip and shook his head.

“Not here.” He whispered. Zayn spoke next taking my eyes away for the Irish lad.

“Substance abuse and suicidal tendencies.” He spoke and I nodded.

The other guys stood and I watched for a second. They looked at me and I stood with them. It took me a second to realize that they were about to dump their trays.

“Where do we go now?” I asked.

“To shower. Then bed.” Zayn answered me. It was barely 7:30. He must have read the confusion on my face. “We-excluding Liam- are on the lowest level. Seeing as you are new here, you have an 8:30 bedtime. I know, super lame, but if you show spectacular improvement like Liam, you'll be able to stay up until 9!” Zayn answered sarcastically. I must have missed the talk at the beginning of the tour about this, but then again, I missed a lot of things.

“It's not that bad.” Liam said and Louis rolled his eyes.

“Speak for yourself! 8:30 bedtimes suck when you are alone. No one to talk to!” He said. Zayn gave him a look and Louis added, “Someone real.” He began to walk away and Liam nudged Niall slightly towards me. Niall looked from Liam to Zayn, who were both hovering beside him, and finally looked at me.

“Would you like for me to show you back to our room?” He asked and I nodded as I stared far past him. Louis stood at the rubbish bin and looked around. I watched as he stuck his fist over the bin and dropped something small into it. His eyes caught mine and he pressed his pointer finger to his lips, before disappearing through the door. My eyes snapped to Niall as he gave me a small smile. He turned around and Liam patted him on the back. I followed them stepping next to Niall. We walked towards our room in silence. Niall pushed the door open and let me walk in first. I watched as he grabbed a small caddy from the shelf by his bed. I looked at my shelf and grabbed my own. There was a towel folded beneath it and I grabbed that as well. I followed Niall's lead and headed to the bathroom. I quickly showered trying to keep my eyes from my own body. I ended up in the room before Niall. I sat on my bed completely clothed in a baggy pajama version of earlier's attire.

“Um, I just want to um, lay down a few rules; well one actually, I guess. Um” He took a deep breath. “Okay. So I would really appreciate it if you remain completely dressed while in the room. I understand changing, but at other times it would help me. Um that's all.” He plopped down on his bed as if his big speech had taken a lot out of him. I tried my hardest not to think that he was calling me an overweight cow, but something in my head kept going there. I knew there had to be another reason.

“Trust me. No clothes removal here. I wouldn't want anyone to see how... big I am.” I replied. He frowned deeply as he looked at me.

“No, that's not what- there is nothing wrong with y-” He stopped. “Well, I can't exactly say that there is nothing wrong with you, there's something wrong with all of us, but it's not you. It's me. The reason that I'm here.” He squeezed his eyes shut tightly and took a deep breath.

“I was ra- hurt- by someone that I had trusted and I'm not comfortable with other guys. Liam and Zayn have helped a lot, but some things are too much. Like, you know, naked guys.” He said to the ceiling. I nodded and pulled the blanket over my body. I pulled my knees up to my chest as the room went dark.

“Lights out.”Niall replied. It was silent for a moment. The only light in the room was coming in from the space under the door.

“Um, Niall, do people usually get away with not taking their medicine?” I asked after a moment.

“Why do you ask?” He responded.

“Um, just wondering. I saw all of you guys take your medicine today and I noticed they checked your mouths.” Not exactly a lie since I did notice them having their mouths checked.

“Oh, well occasionally, not often.”

“Why would they not want to take their medicine?” I asked tucking my legs closer to my body.

“Well, some people here like the way they are. Some people don't want to get better.” He replied and I didn't say anything. I couldn't say anything. I laid there in the dark and let it swallow me up. I knew that I didn't like the way that I was, but did I want to get better? I knew that deep down I didn't want to deal with this everyday, but I also knew that I didn't want to be without the small semblance of control that I had on this aspect in my life. I didn't know a Harry without this. Was there one?


	2. Beauty

I woke up the next morning and went down to breakfast with Niall after getting dressed. It was easier than at home because everything looked the same, but harder than at home because that meant that it all looked terrible on me. We each took our medicine and I sat at the table and watched the boys as they ate. It was strange to see. Liam sat between Niall and Zayn. Liam kept both hands on the table, learning quickly when his hand fell between him and Niall. Niall jumped and slid quickly away from him. Liam quickly raised his hands in the air.

“I'm sorry, Niall, I swear, I didn't mean to.” Liam apologized. Niall shook his head his face turning pink.

“No, mate, it's my fault. I should know better. I know you won't hurt me.” He said running his hand through his hair.

“Niall! Don't!” Zayn replied quickly. Niall made a face as if he understood before looking down. The whole thing passed as quickly as it had began and Niall was silent for the rest of the meal. My eyes kept falling to Louis who looked distracted. His eyes would flick somewhere or he would turn his head slightly, as if he were trying to hear something better. Liam shot him concerned glances, but Louis would just play it off as if he were watching someone else in the room. Liam's frowned deepened when he noticed that the end of breakfast had arrived and I had neglected to get a tray. I had told him earlier that I was just waiting for the line towards the kitchen to die down a bit. Zayn kept patting his hand. It was almost like Morse code; each tap differing from the last. I got up from the table and headed to my first one-on-one session.

I sat in the room with a woman that I vaguely remembered seeing when I was in the hospital. Things were a little hazy from that day.

“Hi, Harry.” The woman smiled at me. I struggled to recall her name. “I'm Georgia Everett. I'm your assigned therapist. I met you in Holmes Chapel. Do you remember?” She smiled sweetly, but it didn't seem forced. She had very pretty strawberry blonde hair that was pulled into a ponytail. I nodded at her, realizing that I had yet to answer. I sat in front of her on the edge of the chair, pulling my feet up into my chin when she invited me to make myself comfortable. I noticed her head tick to the side at me before she jotted something down in her notebook. I pulled the sleeves of my long sleeve shirt down over my fingertips. She reached into her drawer and pulled out a small granola bar; after she opened the top, she dropped it onto her desk. I slid back a little in my chair.

“Alright, Harry, how has it been here so far?” She asked. I had to pry my eyes from the bar to look at her.

“It's fine.” I mumbled.

“Have you made any friends?” She asked me.

“Um, I guess. My roommate Niall, he's nice. The guys I sit with for meals, they seem nice.” I replied. I really had no other way to explain them. I wonder how they would explain me. They would probably say they hated me, or that I was ugly, or something like that.

“What are you thinking about, Harry?” She asked and I looked back at her.

“Um, nothing.”I replied.

“Okay, so, what was your favorite subject in school?” She asked and I furrowed my brow. This wasn't how I expected things to go. I shook my hair and ran a hand through it.

“Um, English. I've always had a thing for writing.” I replied.

“Did you play any sports, join any clubs?” She asked, sitting back in her seat, hands clasped in front of body.

“Um, no sports. I tried footie, but I was shit at it. My parents really liked the idea of me playing, so I did that for them. I was in a few clubs. I wasn't too good in them, so I gave up.” I said pulling at a string on the sleeve. That damn bar still sat between us. I looked at it again.

“Why do you say that?” She asked tilting her head again.

“Because it's true. I've never been the best, y'know? I uh, I'm not like my sister. Gemma. Gemma's perfect.” I looked back at my strange slippered feet. The shoes reminded me of cut rate TOMS.

“Are you close with Gemma?”

“Yeah, She's my world. My best mate.” I smiled a little. I ruffled my hair out and fixed it before looking down.

“Oh, so you guys do lots of things together?” She asked.

“Everything. We rode bikes together, we watched movies, I even remember her doing my makeup once. We played dress up.” I said my face turning pink.

“Tell me more.” She inquired.

“Um, Gemma just wanted to do make up. I volunteered. I remember looking in the mirror, I was wearing a pair of her jeans. It was then that I realized all that was wrong with me.”

“Like what?” She asked.

“Well, I'm fat. I remember my stomach spilling over her jeans. My nose is huge, I have zero muscle and my hair can never decide what it wants to do and I'm ugly. Gemma was always the better looking one. I wanted to be like her. But I was just... Me.”

“Do you believe all of that?”She asked.

“I believe the what I see. What I see is the truth.” I replied. She showed me a picture.

“Is the left center circle bigger?” She asked. I rolled my eyes and answered quickly.

“Of course it is.” I answered.

“Wrong. They are the same size.” She said with a small smile that didn't seem smug at all. “Sometimes our eyes lie to us.” She pulled out a composition notebook.

“By tomorrow, I want to you to write down at least five beautiful things. One of them must be about yourself.” I nodded, grabbing the book after a moment. As I left the room, I watched her take a bite from the bar. That bitch.

 

After a trip to my nutritionist, I was sent outside for recreation. I sat in the grass under a large oak tree and watched as the other boys from my table filed out into the yard. There was a game of footie starting up on the pitch in front of me. I recognized Niall and Liam out of the dozen of guys kicking around the ball. I saw Zayn on the other side of the pitch. I was tempted to head over there, but he looked busy with pencil and paper in hand and he probably wouldn't want to talk to me anyway. I decided to sit where I was. I held the composition book in my hand, bending the cover back over and over. I still had nothing beautiful. I felt my body shift as someone sat next to me, shoving their shoulder into mine. I looked up to see Louis sitting next to me. His legs were splayed in front of him as he leaned back on his palms.

“Hi-” I began when he shushed me.

“Do you hear that, Harry?” He breathed out. He stared up at the tree.

“No- No I don't.” I replied.

“It's everywhere. The tree, it's whispering. It gives so much. It's tired. But it will never stop. It loves us.” Louis ran his hand down the root of the tree. A butterfly landed on his finger and he lifted it.

“It's okay. I believe you.” He whispered gently. I had no idea what he was talking about. The butterfly flew away and he watched it go.

“Louis, um, I saw you. Last night. W-w-why don't you t-take your medicine?” I asked timidly. There was a long pause and I thought he wasn't going to answer.

“I understand them, you know. They know that. They tell me things. Warn me.” He said. “I don't want to be what they think I should be. I'm special! I can hear and see things that no one else can! I'd rather stay like this.” He said passionately. He gripped my wrist in his hand.

“They've been telling me to do this.” He leaned forward and planted his lips to my eyelids. I could feel my face turn bright red.

“So beautiful. Green, like the trees.” He smiled at me.

“Me, I-I- I'm n-n-not beautiful. F-Far from it.” I stammered out.

“Oh, Harold. Everything has beauty, but not everyone sees it.” He turned to look back at the tree.

As we headed in for lunch I caught sight of my eyes in the glass of the door. They were nice, I guess. The same color as the ground we had just been sitting on, with a ring of brown encasing the green. I smiled at myself a bit before heading through the doors. An arm caught mine and I turned toward it.

“Harry, can I talk to you.” Zayn asked. I paused with him and nodded my head.

“Harry!” Louis yelled and I gave him a small wave. He shrugged before heading with Liam and Niall to grab a plate.

“Harry, I think it would be best if you, maybe, ate something today.” I could feel my shoulders draw up. I ran a hand through my hair and I soon let them hang by my thighs.

“Look, Liam worries a lot, and although he barely knows you, he cares. That's just Liam. He's doing well, and I would hate for anything to set him back. Plus, you can't get away with not eating long around here. They start to check. If it seems like you aren't making progress, they will put you by yourself, and monitor you every second of the day. You don't have to eat it all. Just a few bites. Can you do that for me?” He asked and I nodded, always a people-pleaser.

“Sure.” I responded before following him into the cafeteria. I got in line behind him and got the standard meal. Sandwich, milk, fruit cup and baby carrots. I sat beside Louis and pushed my fork into my cup of fruit cocktail. I speared one of the tiny cubed fruits. I stared at it for a while before finally shoving it into my mouth. I could feel the pear slide down my throat, which spasmed at the intrusion. I counted to twenty as I felt it hit the bottom of my stomach. I took another bite before deciding that this had been enough. Everything in my body wanted to get rid of it. I ruffled my hair in my hands before pushing the tray away and pulling my knees up to my chest. I looked around the table to see Liam beaming at me as Zayn offered me a small nod. Niall tried to hide his small smile and Louis just looked into my eyes and whispered, “beautiful.” I couldn't believe they could seem so proud over two fucking bites of a fruit cup. It was all so ridiculous. I ducked my head hating all of the attention.

“So, I drew something during recreation.” Zayn said holding out his sketchbook, quickly changing the subject. I thanked him endlessly in my head. It was a picture of Liam's leg outstretched to kick a ball during the footie match. His body was muscle, knots, dirt, sweat, and bruises. His face was rough and almost angry. I could almost see what hid behind them. Liam saw it and wrapped his arm around Zayn's shoulder. He looked deep into his eyes and grabbed Liam's hand that hung from his shoulder. Zayn's eyelashes swept his brightening cheeks as Liam continued to stare at him. Zayn tapped his fingers against the knuckles of Liam's hand. I could see the old scars that littered them. They seemed to clash against every gentle move that he made with Zayn. He nodded and mouthed, “I love you too.”

There in that moment, I saw beauty.

I tore my eyes away from them and Niall's uneasy expression caught my attention. He scratched repeatedly at his forearms. He looked away from their little display of affection. I got up saying I needed to use the loo, and Niall quickly jumped up.

“I'll go with!” He exclaimed and I sighed. Looks like the fruit was staying down. We walked into the bathroom and I watched as he repeatedly washed his hands.

“You okay?” I asked.

“Yeah, I just, I get a little mad around that kind of stuff.” He said.

“He really loves him, doesn't he?” I questioned and Niall nodded with a sigh.

“Yeah, he really does.” He answered.

“No one's ever loved me like that.” I breathed staring at the tiles.

“Love is overrated.” He replied and walked from the bathroom. The door thudded against its frame, the loud _smack_ resounding in the empty room. I stared at the stall a moment, debating going in there and ridding myself of the heavy feeling in my stomach, and the pride of four boys, who didn't know me, that I didn't deserve, before the door opened again and someone walked into the room. I quickly nodded at them before heading out and catching up with Niall. We didn't speak as we made our way back to the table. Louis shot me a glance before his face went blank again and he looked ever so slightly to the left. I wonder who he saw standing there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So...What did you think? Let me know! I hope you guys liked it and thanks for the response that you have already given! In case you guys wanted to know what Harry's list would have been, here goes...
> 
> 1\. Butterflies  
> 2\. Louis' love for trees  
> 3\. My eyes  
> 4\. Zayn's picture  
> 5\. Zayn and Liam
> 
> Not very impressive or poetic, but so goes life...


	3. Relapse

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, guys. I decided to post this today, as a little gift. So, I hope you guys like it!

I had been here for about a week when I had my first relapse. The medicine they gave me made me gain weight like crazy and by the end of the week I had gained five pounds. I sat in the room with my therapist and she made me eat half of a sandwich and drink a whole glass of milk.

“How do you feel, Harry?” She asked as I rested one my hands on my throat and the other on my stomach. I rocked slightly.

“I d-don't feel well.” I replied my eyes watering. “I have to go to the bathroom.”

“No, Harry. Stay. Stay here.” I rocked quicker. Why was she doing this to me? I could feel the food settling and clinging to my stomach and thighs. The milk sloshed uncomfortably in me. I need to get rid of it.

“N-n-n-o-o. I-I have t-to g-ge-t-t ou-out of h-here.” I responded.

“Harry, what are you thinking?” She asked calmly.

“I-I f-f-f-eel s-so f-fat. I-I h-have to-” I jumped up from my seat and pressed my fist into my stomach under my ribcage, forcing the food back up. She leaped up and away as I puked into her waste bin. I dropped to my knees and threw up until I could taste the bitter acid with a strange metallic twinge. I pushed myself back and leaned against her desk, with my eyes closed. There was a crazy high that came from the emptiness. I felt so light, yet so heavy at the same time. She knelt before me and spoke my name. I opened my eyes to see her holding a mirror in front of my face. I had a sick smile plastered to my face. My cheeks were ridiculously pale and I had flecks of vomit in my hair, which was plastered to my forehead with sweat, and on my face. There was saliva running down my chin. My usually bright green eyes were almost black. My cheeks seemed sunken and I looked almost dead. It was the first time that I had seen myself so clearly since before I was hospitalized. The high slipped away and I was left sitting there, staring at the truth.

“Do you feel better?” She asked and I stared down at the floor.

“No.” I had to clear my throat a couple of times before I could answer. My throat burned immensely and it was hard for me to say anything. “I feel absolutely disgusted with myself.”

She handed me a bottle of water and I took a deep sip from it.

“Well, that's the end of our session, Harry. I guess I'll see you tomorrow.” She said and I could feel her disappointment rolling through me. I could feel it settling in the pit of my stomach, this time, I couldn't throw it up.

 

I sat at recreation with Zayn. He was sketching again as the boys played footie. I pulled my sleeves over my hands and wrapped my arms around myself.

“I-uh- I relapsed today.” I whispered after a moment of silence. Zayn looked over at me. “And I feel so fucking low. Like I couldn't keep down half a sandwich! I'm so messed up.” I carded my hand through my hair.

“Don't take it too hard, Haz. All of us, except Liam, have relapsed.” He said.

“Really?” I asked and he nodded.

“Some of us more than once.” He supplied staring off toward the field.

“Tell me about it?” I asked nervously. He placed the sketchbook in the grass as he spoke.

“Well sure. Um Let's see. Louis was here first, then Liam, then me, Niall, and of course you. Louis has relapsed the most. That's why he rooms alone. He is actually dangerous when he stops taking his medicine. He got here because he busted through a glass door because the voices told him to do it.” I tried to line up my memory of the tree loving, butterfly trusting Louis with the Louis Zayn was telling me about. It was almost as hard to believe as the idea that Liam was here for anger problems, when he was the most gentle creature I had ever met.

“Niall, he has relapsed more times than I have. He still has his moments. I'm not going to tell you his whole story, it's up to him to tell you, if he wants to. Niall wasn't allowed to room with other boys for a while because he was so afraid of being hurt again. When they first tried to room him with some guy named Calum, he flipped out. He screamed and begged and he had to be restrained. He can't even have male counselors. He's too afraid. It's a wonder that he let Liam and I in. He was torn apart.”

“And you? What was it like when you relapsed?” I inquired.

“I-um. I was going through withdrawal and I was staying in my room all day. Liam came in and apparently I flipped out on him. I don't remember much of it, but when I woke up, Liam had a bloody nose. I fully expected him to kick my ass, but he didn't. In fact, he was sitting across the room by the door taking deep breaths. He was trying to calm himself down. When I saw him, I thought of how he had only tried to help me. I felt like shit. I crawled into his lap and began wiping his nose with one of my own T-shirts. Every time I tried to apologize, he just shushed me. I think that was the moment I fell for him.” Zayn said quietly. “I tried to kill myself once after that. I was feeling so low, that I felt like I couldn't see the stars anymore, and nothing else mattered. I broke into the kitchen and stole a knife. I had cut my wrist on the bathroom floor and I was waiting to die. But, of course Liam found me. He saved me. He was so pissed. That was the first time he said he loved me. I – I haven't relapsed since. I want to get better for him. For me too. I want to get out of here. See more stars. Maybe Paris. I don't know. I just don't want to die here, in this small ass town, having done nothing, having seen nothing.” He said laying back in the grass.

 

I sat in my room staring up at the dark ceiling. I was having a hard time sleeping. I heard the sound of whimpering in the corner.

“No- No please!'” Niall shouted and popped up in his bed. He looked around the room, disoriented. He pushed himself against the wall and tucked his knees to his chest. He tried to calm down his breathing.

“N-n-niall? Y-y-you alr-r-ight, mate?” I asked cautiously. I didn't want to startle him further.

“I'm fine. What are you doing?” He asked as I stood in the middle of the floor. I had planned on comforting him, but I realized that maybe he wouldn't like that.

“Oh, I w-was, sorry.” I looked down at the floor. “I was just going to comfort you.”

“It's fine. C'mere.” I sat on his bed and put my feet up mirroring him. It was silent for a few moments and I thought Niall might have fallen back to sleep.

“I wasn't always like this.” He whispered into the dark. “I used to be so open and trusting. I would laugh at everything. And cuddle anyone. Man I used to love cuddling.” He sighed wistfully.

“Sometimes I don't want to wake up. But, I'm afraid to go to sleep, to close my eyes, because I see his face. It's everywhere.” He looked me sharply in the eyes and I could see just how dead his electric blue eyes were. “I want to die.”

“No. Don't say that!” I scolded him.

“Why not? The only thing I'm good for is lying on my back.” he mumbled.

“Niall, Stop it!” I tried to stop him.

“No, you stop it, Harry! Why do people always do that! They think they know what's best for me! They think they can boss me around. They can tell me how to feel, how to look, where to be! They can hold me down, hit me, touch me, rape me! Why can't I have control for one second!” He shouted and I was taken aback.

“Tell me. Please. Tell me what happened.” I dared to breath. He was silent for another moment and I was afraid he took it as a command. “But only if you want to.”

“I-um, My brother, Greg, he uh, he had this friend. He would always come around the house. I didn't really think much about him. He was just always there and I got too comfortable, I guess. I would throw myself on him when we watched the Telly, I would wrestle with him, I would always hang all over him. He stayed the night once, and when Greg fell asleep, he snuck into my room. My parents' were gone and Greg was plastered. I woke up to him kissing me. He didn't stop at that though. I said I would scream, he said that if I did, he would kill me. Sometimes I wish I had. He said that I had been a proper tease. I must have known what I was doing. I was his little slut. It was rough, and I didn't want it. He took my virginity. I'm not gay, Harry, honest! But, I must have wanted it. I must have been a tease. It was my fault.” His voice cracked as he finished his story and I wanted to tell him it wasn't true, but I knew he wouldn't listen. I never did. “I still feel him on me. All day. It never fades. I try to scrub it off. I even tried to burn the fingerprints away. That was how I got here. I can't make it go away.”

We sat in silence for a bit. I could tell that Niall wasn't in the mood for talking anymore.

“We could do it, Niall. We could get better. We could finally be in control of ourselves.” I propositioned him. He looked up at me. “No more secrets, or lies. We could put the past behind us. If you want that.”

He smiled at me with the most life in his eyes that I had seen yet.

“I want that very much.” He replied.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, what do you guys think? I hope you all liked it! Thanks so much for the kudo's and know that I really appreciate it when you guys leave them or comment! More soon!


	4. Crack

“So, Harry, today we are going to delve into why you have an eating disorder.” Georgia said. I looked at her. One part of my brain wanted to scream, 'Duh, it's because I'm a cow. I mean, look at me.', but that was the part that didn't want to get better.

“What are you thinking, Harry?” She asked.

“Noth-” I began to say nothing, automatically, but I stopped myself. “I, um, when you asked me why, I automatically thought, I have an eating disorder because I'm fat.” I admitted running my hands through my hair. She gave me a small smile.

“Thank you for sharing.” She wrote something in her notes. “Tell me the first time you thought of purging.”

“I- uh, I grew up with women. They were always criticizing themselves. I thought how can someone so perfect think they look so bad? Then I thought, if they could see so many flaws, what could they see in me. What could others? But I mean that was just an early observation. It really started after Gemma came home with excellent marks on her mid term. My mom took us out to eat. At the end of dinner, I was so unhappy. Gemma had done something great and I couldn't even speak in a complete sentence without stuttering. I was almost failing all of my classes because I never wanted to participate. They would have laughed. I didn't deserve any of this dinner. I threw it up and it was the happiest I had felt in a long time.”

“So Gemma. She is the root of your eating disorder.” Georgia inquired and I stilled.

“No, no way! Gemma has never done anything or said something about me. I knew, okay! I knew what I fucking looked like! I did this because of me! Because I'm never good enough! Because I'm not the best! Because I'm stupid! Because Mum loved Gemma more and I can't compete with that! How do you compete with that?!” There was a heavy silence in the room as I took in what I said. I had never verbalized how I felt before. I hadn't even realized I felt that way.

“Harry, you don't have to compete with Gemma any more. You are good enough on your own.” She said. I looked down and ruffled my hands through my hair. “Harry, whenever you are feeling low just tell yourself that you are good enough. Because you are.” I smiled a little as I looked up at her.

“Thank you Harry. This was a very good session. I'll see you tomorrow. Keep up the good work!” She said enthusiastically.

I stood to leave and headed towards the door as she called my name. I turned back to her.

“You've made so much progress in the last month, that we have been talking about moving you up a level. Keep it up, kid.” She smiled at me and I nodded before leaving.

 

I went to my nutrition session bouncing with excitement. We talked about a healthy diet and exercise and I even tried some low fat peanut butter stuff. I had been steadily gaining weight and was up to 8 ( pounds). Although I was still dangerously underweight, I was getting better.

 

When we got to recreation I threw my arms around Niall. He flinched and I began to pull away. I was about to apologize and offer him my first born child when he pulled me back in. I was speechless.

“N-Niall! You just cuddled me!” I said in awe when we pulled away.

“Yeah. Yeah I did.” His voice held the same tone as me. He grabbed me again and lifted me from the ground, shouting, “I'm hugging you, Haz!” We spun and a giddy laugh left his throat.

“Put me down so we can talk!” I laughed out. He obliged and I sat down on the grass beside him. He followed in suit.

“They are talking about bumping me up a level!” I told him.

“Congrats, Haz! I uh, I talked about what happened to me with my parents for the first time. I finally told them. They cried, and I said sorry. They told me that I had nothing to be sorry about. It wasn't my fault. It's not my fault, Harry.” He said with a wide grin. My eyes teared up and I felt as if I could hug him again, but I know the first one was probably enough.

 

Louis was looking worse. He had dark bruises underneath his eyes now. I wonder when was the last time he slept.

“L-Lou, Can I talk to you?” I asked him as I pulled him aside during recreation. He looked at me without saying anything.

“I-I think, ma-maybe, you should start taking your medicine again.” I finally got out. He looked at me his eyes blank and far away.

“Why?” He asked simply.

“W-well, N-Niall and I, We are t-trying. W-we wanna g-g-get out of here. I want you to try too.” I said.

“You and Niall. Since when?” He asked.

“About a month ago. In our room one night.” I answered. He shook his head erratically.

“Right. Of course.” He turned and walked away mumbling to himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, what did you think? I'm sorry that Louis is such a jerk in this part, but it's what had to happen. Also, I know that this was really short, so I will update again tomorrow!


	5. Shatter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry! I'm just .

I sat with Liam and Zayn at the dinner table. We were waiting on Niall and Louis.

“You guys, it's been ten minutes. Niall is never late for a meal.” Liam said his leg bouncing.

“Maybe, we should go look for them?” Zayn suggested and I got up and followed them.

I heard it before I saw. I was pretty sure Zayn and Liam heard too.

“You're stealing him from me! They warned me. They warned. They told me, they said watch out for Niall. Niall'll take him. He knows your secrets. He picked your brain. He'll take him, like the little slut he is! Say it! Say it out loud!” He screamed.

“I'm sorry!” Niall screamed out, making Liam break out into a sprint.

“Sorry, what?” Louis yelled.

“I'm really, really sorry for being a slut, okay?” Niall's voice coughed out.

We rounded the corner and Liam slammed himself into Louis, who had Niall pinned against the wall. Niall fell to the floor and curled himself into a ball. Liam's fist connected with Louis' face and body and I screamed out.

“What the fuck is wrong with you! You don't hurt him! You don't!” Liam screamed at Louis. Liam's knuckles were stained bright red with Louis' blood. I finally saw it. I saw the snap. Liam was gone, as was Louis. Liam's eyes were a horrible black and he didn't look like he was really there. I could finally see what Liam was capable of. I could see the monster in him. Louis smiled up at Liam; his blood running down his chin and onto the pure white carpet. Louis' smile was chilling. There was no one there. He didn't care about the pain.

“Don't hurt him! Please, he doesn't know! He doesn't!” I screamed at Liam.

“Liam, stop! Come on! Please!” Zayn tried to grab a hold of his arms, but Liam just swung backwards, his hands cutting across Zayn's face. Zayn stumbled back onto the floor and cupped his cheek. Tears fell down his cheek and I could feel the world slow. Liam hit Zayn. That wasn't supposed to happen.

“Hey! Hey! What's going on back here?!” Paul shouted as he came rushing down the hall. Soon there were several large men pulling Liam away from Louis.

“Let me go! He deserves to die!” He screeched out. Louis continued to smile, even though his nose and jaw were definitely broken, along with, presumably, many other bones in his body, and his eyes were almost swollen shut. He began to laugh. It was unlike anything I had heard before. It was dangerous.

They stuck a needle into Liam's arm and he soon calmed down, his head sagging low as two large men supported his weight. Louis had been subdued as well, but his maniacal laughter didn't seem to stop. Niall was still curled up in the corner.

“N-niall...” I ventured. He didn't answer. He just stared forward silently. His eyes were empty. Fear completely drained from them.

They took Liam, Louis and Niall away from us. I was left with Zayn who was still cupping his cheek.

“Zayn-” I began.

“He didn't mean it. He didn't know.” he whispered, almost like he was trying to convince himself. “He's not like this. That's not him.”

I found myself lying on my bed. I didn't remember getting there. I stared at where Niall would usually be, but he was gone. I wanted this to be fake. I wanted it to be a dream, but when I awoke the next

morning and Niall was still gone, I knew that this was really happening.

 

We were sitting in a room by ourselves with three faculty members. Zayn and I stared at the woman as she talked to us.

“Hi boys.” She smiled sweetly, “In lieu of recent events, we have decided to have a grief counseling session with you.” I was confused as to why she called it 'grief counseling', until I looked at Zayn's face. He looked awful. There was a large bruise across his cheek with a cut in the center. He looked like he had slept less than I had. He was quiet and he looked sadder than I had ever seen. He constantly scratched at the sleeve of his shirt.

“So, obviously, as a group, many of the rules here have been broken. Now, you boys won't be punished, but we need to know everything so that we can properly assess the situation and figure out the best way to handle it.” She said. The room was quiet.

“We all are aware that romantic inter-patient relationships are strictly prohibited, but we are willing to look past the repercussions of those actions if you are willing to tell us what happened.” More silence.

“Zayn, what happened to your face?” She began again. He looked up at her, more like past her.

“I don't know what your are talking about.” He said.

“Zayn, please don't be difficult. We are trying to help you. What happened to your face? The large cut and bruise.” She pointed out.

“I fell.” He said not even trying to sound convincing. She sighed.

“Did Liam do that?” She asked with her pencil poised to take notes.

“I fell.” He repeated. She tried to talk more to him, but he just stopped answering. She turned her gaze to me.

“Harry, were you engaged in a romantic relationship with any of the boys?” She asked. I didn't exactly know how to answer it. I mean, I liked Louis, but besides the kiss on my eyelids, we didn't have much physical interaction. I had touched Niall more, and I definitely knew that I had zero romantic feelings for him. And obviously Louis had feelings for me, or he wouldn't have been so jealous of Niall.

“Harry?” She prompted me again.

“S-sorry. No. I wasn't dating any of them.” I replied. She tried asking me more questions, but I didn't have much else to say. I definitely didn't tell her about Louis not taking his meds. We were dismissed and allowed to go participate in recreation.

I sat with Zayn in the grass.

“How long?” He asked and I looked over at him.

“What do you mean?” I questioned. He stared straight ahead at the darkening sky. Looked like rain was headed our way.

“How long did you know that he wasn't taking his medicine.” He said emptily. My heart started racing in my chest. I took a deep breath. I was silent for a couple of minutes.

“Since the day I moved in.” I whispered back.

“Why didn't you tell anyone?”

“I didn't know who to tell. He didn't want help. I tried to get him to take it though.” I responded.

“Did you think we were kidding when we said he was dangerous without it?” He asked.

“No, but I didn't think-” I began.

“No, no you didn't. Because Niall is gone. Louis hurt him! And Liam, Liam is gone and I am lost! I can forgive him for hitting me, but I'll always be afraid of him! And Liam was the one good thing I had going and now I can't even sleep because he is there and he hit me and I'm afraid! Why didn't you do something! You should have done something!” He screamed in my face.

“I didn't mean to hurt anyone! I'm sorry!” I yelled back. My eyes began to prick and he was just a blur.

“Sorry isn't good enough, Harry.” He breathed out. He got up and left me sitting alone.

And in my head all I could hear was, _'You're not good enough'_. I curled myself into a ball and ran my hands through my hair, slightly tugging it. I rocked back and forth. I wasn't good enough.

 

Zayn wasn't at dinner.

 

I was alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry! So as you can see, I have one chapter left, and it is pretty short. I'll probably post it later today to be honest. But of you guys want, I have something of a companion piece to go with it and I'll try to post that. Let me know what you think!


	6. Release

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The last one! Sorry I didn't post yesterday! I hope everyone likes it!

I finished my program weighing 8 stones and 13 pounds (125 pounds). I was tottering on the edge of an anorexic BMI, but they thought I would be fine. I was let go, but I didn't see any of the boys for the rest of my stay there. My progress was pushed back by a couple of weeks after the incident. I had felt so alone that I didn't want to eat anymore. Soon I realized that me being stuck in there did nothing to help them, and I had to move on.

 

A few years later I was walking down the street when I bumped into Niall.

“Sorry,” I replied.

“Harry, Harry Styles! I can't believe it's you!” He said. It took me a moment to recognize Niall. His blond hair was gone and was replaced with dark brown.

“Oh, Niall! It's been so long. I'm sorry for everything that happened. It was all my fault and I never got to say sorry.” I said and he hugged me.

“Bygones are bygones. I'm a lot better now.”

“That's great.” I replied.

“Hey, if you aren't too busy, we could get tea. I was gonna meet Liam and Zayn.”

“Sure.” I said and followed him as he led me to a small restaurant. Zayn and Liam were already sat at the table and were holding hands. I smiled at them as I walked in and sat in front of Liam. Zayn stood and hugged me from across the table.

“Wow, it's so great to see you guys.” I smiled genuinely. “What happened? I hadn't seen you guys since the incident.”

“After Liam was taken away, I uh- I relapsed. I tried to kill myself and they put me on suicide watch and isolation. After a while I worked my way back up.” Zayn said and Liam started.

“I was out for three days. I don't remember much about what happened. I just woke up it seemed and my fist were cut up. They had me locked down for a while. I began from square one and I graduated my program. A couple days later, I found out where Zayn lived and I contacted him. We've been working on us for a while.” Liam said and looked at Zayn. “He's still afraid of me sometimes, but I would never hurt him again.”

“I know you wouldn't hurt me, Li” Zayn said and kissed the back of Liam's hands.

“I'm kinda like Liam. I don't remember anything. I just remember waking up one day and people told me that I had been in a catatonic state. They sent me to another place and I got better treatment. Now I have a beautiful wife and an amazing kid. He's so perfect.” Niall doted and I smiled.

“Um, do you happen to know where Lou is? I haven't spoken to him in a while.” I said and Liam clenched his fist. Zayn looked down at the table. Niall took a deep breath.

“What?” I asked and Niall spoke up.

“He- uh- he died, Harry.” Niall said and I could feel tears prick my eyes.

“What? How?” I asked.

“He got sent to the same place as me. He stopped taking his medicine again and he somehow got access to the keys. He went to the roof and jumped. He said he was looking for the butterflies and the boy with eyes like the Earth.” He explained. I took a shuddering breath and unbuttoned my shirt. I had gotten a tattoo of a butterfly on my stomach after I got out. It was too remind myself that there was beauty in everything, even myself. I felt as if I could puke. Liam gasped and Niall grabbed my hand.

“He was looking for me.” I whispered and Zayn wiped a tear from his eye.

“I'm sorry, Harry.” Zayn said. I shook my head with a sad smile.

“It's fine. I'm gonna get going. But it was good seeing you all again.” I said and stood. They all hugged me and I walked through the door. As I turned the corner, a butterfly landed on my hand. I looked at it for a second before it flew away through the trees where branches break the sun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry that this is so short. But this is the end! Tell me what you think!

**Author's Note:**

> Well? What did you think? I hope you liked it, and more on the way... If you want... let me know!


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